You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
