Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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