dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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