Where is the hickey?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
