mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
