Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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