I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
