I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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