saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
