I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
