I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
