I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
