If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
