Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Your dad touched me again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
