I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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