we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
