I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
