i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
