I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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