"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
