Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
