I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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