you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
