I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
