i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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