You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
