Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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