I have demons in me.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
