does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's always time for handjobs
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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