My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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