So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
