Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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