i would punch a child for taco bell
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
