Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
