I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
