how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
