Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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