Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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