the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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