I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This is classic penis vs brain.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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