Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
