I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
