I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
