textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
