ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
