Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Everyone says I win the strip club
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
