put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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