oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We have so much sex to catch up on
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
