im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
