I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
