Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
