i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
